dear family and friends,
you're probably wondering why the hell i keep everything secret. to tell you the truth, i don't know. i can't explain why i can't bear to let even my best friend see a picture i drew or read a story i wrote. i can't explain why i hate it when my parents see a picture i've been working on psp or a fic i've been updating. i don't get why i feel inside that i have to seal these things inside my heart. i don't get why i'm not telling you i was accepted into powers school. i don't know why i'm not going waltzing up to you telling you i'm taking guitar lessons. i probably won't even tell you if i get into a commercial. it's a weird feeling, the one i get when i get or try something new. i feel like i'm going to fade into a black oblivion if you find out even the slightest personal detail about me. but the thing is, fading into a black oblivion is what i usually feel like doing. i'm sitting in that cold, wooden desk freezing in the chemistry room and i wonder what it would be like if i started fading away until i was but a shadow of silvery black mist. i could walk about not being interrupted by anyone. i could live my life my own way, by myself. i wouldn't have to deal with the pains of living. i guess it's because i'm insecure and unstable. i guess it's because i let people walk on me because i don't know what to do. i guess it's because i don't know hoe to really act around people. maybe that's why i got into acting? so when i was acting around people, it's with a script so i'd know exactly what to say. i guess that's why i make you laugh. you leech onto me like a parasite because i have that power to give you laughter. it's not something i want to do though. i do it by poking fun at every situation since i simply have no clue what else to do. i even make fun of myself sometimes. you laugh. i laugh. deep inside i'm hurting, i'm bleeding. i'm crying for you to stop that vicious laughter, reach out, and tell me to stop. slap me in the face and shake me hard. remind me i'm a person just like you, just like everyone else. show me how to live. but you don't do that. and i can't make you. no matter how many red flags i send up, you come back and do it again. why can't you see what you're doing to me? how can you not feel what i'm feeling? is it possible for everyone i know to be completely blind to my emotions? sometime i think you don't know i have emotions. you probably don't. i hate you. i really really hate you deep inside. that side comes out when i'm alone - like now. no one's here and this is the real me. i'm a monster. i only come out at night. during the day when i'm walking ebside you down the hallway, i'm constantly laughing and sarcatically teasing everything in my path. i get home and by the time i'm lying in bed in darkness staring at the stars through my skylight, i'm furious. why do i do this? why the hell am i even still around you? i can't believe you missed my depressed months. hell i was even suicidal at that point. then that girl killed herself. i saw how torn up i was and i hardly even knew her. i saw how sad everyone else was.. i couldn't do that to you. it would be so hard. i know you need me. all of you do. you need someone to lighten the mood, to make you feel better.. but did you ever think about where that comes from? it's at my expense. i make your day better by making mine worse. it gets harder and harder every day. i think you've noticed i'm starting to crack. slowly i'm coming apart, bit by bit until the point where i'm going to throw my text book down by the locker and scream, go running out of the school, and never see you again. but then what would happen? would i start all over again? i could go to a new place.. they wouldn't know me there. but that's the thing. you know me. i'm just a kid and you know that. i'm never going to grow up completely.. it's not possible for someone like me. other people don't get that. they don't understand me. they think i'm that weird girl from mars but they're nice to my face. that's how they all are. you give me that sense of security. but when i'm with you, i just want to tear my head off. i want to tear yours off and everyone around me. now that can't be a healthy feeling. aren't you supposed to get pleasure from having friends? i just get angry. you don't realize what you're doing to me. everytime you put me down the blackhole in my heart gets bigger and sucks up more life. if you keep this up, there won't be any life left in me. i'll be a bag of blood and bones with no sense of humor or emotion to experience the beauties of life with. what will you do then? you think this is just a phase.. or i'm doing this to be cool. yeah right. if you wanted me to wear those clothes you pick out, you wouldn't have treated me like this. if you're going to raise a teenager, you better know what to do first. and what was i, your crash course? you said it yourself. don't you get it? you, my friends.. you're sucking the life out of me. i need your encouragement i need your love. i need you to tell me i'll go far. i need you to tell me i'll do great at my audition or i'll do fine on my history test as long as i studied. i need you to tell me my clothes look great regardless of whether they're your style or not. if you haven't noticed, every time i get pissed at you, i wear something dark. if i'm in a good mood, i wear something bright. i wear my fucking feelings and by now you should plainly see i'm not happy. no, i don't "try to be punk" asshole. no, i'm not "being a goth". i don't listen to those stupid stereotypes i'm just being myself i can't help it. i'm completely lost. i don't know where i am, who i am, what i'm doing, where i'm going, what i'm doing this for.. i need you to help me. it would be much clearer if i could just tell you. share my feelings with you. talk to you like a daughter or best friend would. but your'e afraid of me. when i start to show myself, you get scared and tell me to stop or change the subject, or just tell me i'm stupid. don't you realize how that makes me feel? you're forcing me to deny the right to by myself i can't do that any longer. one day i'm going to wake up and it's going to be too late. no turning back because once i've drowned, you can't save me. you spend too much time laughing at my gasping face starving for air under the cold water then stuck your hand in to save me too late. i'm gone. what are you going to do then? probably just call me a spaz or a head case and go on with your life. you make friends easily enough. maybe that's why you make fun of me. maybe that's why you still hang around me. i'm your punching bag. you all do it to me. except one. but you're so smart it makes me mad. how do i know if you're not internally thinking i'm some idiot because that's exactly how i act. i know that's exactly what you think. i wonder what you would say if you read this? what would you do? would you believe this and give me a hug while i stand behind you and cry like i'm crying right now? would you laugh in my face and tell me to stop being a drama queen? i'm not a drama queen. and if i am such a drama queen, why did you tell me i hated acting? who are you to tell me what i like and don't like? who are you to tell me my music's horrible. what about what you listen to? you don't think i think it's crap? but music isn't crap. at least most music isn't. music elevates you. it frees you. at least it frees me. don't go telling me the only thing keeping me alive is crap - that's going way too far. and why do you blow me off when i try to tell you something important? why the hell can i never finish my sentence? i'm telling you a story.. maybe giving you a hint and you cut me off as if i wasn't even talking. you do it all the fucking time. am i just not worthy of your time? you sure as hell take up mine. i know this is wrong. and i need someone to tell me either 'what the hell you poor child get the fuck away from those losers' or 'jesus you spaz. calm down.' i need to know whether this is normal or whether i'm steadily going insane listening to you call me names like i'm that broken raquet you smashed losing the last point. i have to know it my importance is equal to the rubber strap on your goggles you broke last night. are my opinions as credible as that empty bottle of mascara you threw away? do you see me as just another pencil you snapped trying to draw that perfect picture last night? why do you toss me aside so? why can't i be like everyone else. why can't i live like you. i don't want to go on by myself - i want to stay with you. i want us all to be friends when it's over and beyond. i want us to share an apartment in college and still be happy with each other. i want you to stop laughing. i want you to start seeing. i know i've been acting strange lately. that's because i'm on the knife's edge. i'm teetering on the line between sanity and insanity and i want you to save me. i want to live again. but i need your help. please, don't do that to me again.
p.s. i hope you never see this. but if you do, don't tell me. just change your ways and maybe everyone else will catch on. but don't let me know. that would push me even farther. thank you.