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Some letters are never meant to be sent

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You [04 Feb 2007|10:15pm]

[ mood | restless ]

broke my heart.
and you have no idea how badly it hurt.
so heres the story of what happened, because i never wanted to speak to you again.
i actually hope you read this. you asshole.
you liked me, and i liked you back.
we even arranged to go out one day.
but then K(my best friend) came along. you used to have something with her, but you said it was over.
because we were all good friends, you asked me out and i said yes.
then you asked if i wanted K to come, and i said "sure if you want"
you said "maybe...like she can come another time? like maybe just us?"
and i said sure.
we never got to go out coz i was busy.
but then when i came back from holidays you asked if we wanted to go out again.
and then you said "do you want K to come?" and i said "uh maybe just us"
and you replied "ooooh come on why cant k come?"
i shouldv known from then.
but i was naive.
we never went out because he was busy.
then you invited me and k over to your house to meet all your friends.
we both accepted. it was to be on a wednesday.
the sunday before, dylan told me it was off. 
he said his friends had gone away so it would be kinda suss, me and kat going over and no one else.
and i said ok, we'll do something some other time.
so then me K and V (my other best friend) all arranged to go to luna park on tuesday night and then sleep over at my house.
V told me that her and K had to leave early coz she had orthodontist at 830, and k had to go to her grandmas house.
but in a myspace quiz that k did, it said;
What is your current annoyance?
My dad wants me to play golf with him on Wednesday but I've already made plans.
So i thought...hang on. they must be doing something together during the day they dont want me to know about.
then i realised it was the day that dylan had cancelled on me.
i put it together sunday night, and spoke to v on msn on monday.
me: why do you both have to leave soo early after lunaa?
v: coz i have to go to the orthodontist and k has to go to her grannys. so it would be more convenient if we both went at the same time...
me: my mum can drop you...and i'll come in the car
v: oh no i can catch the bus. its more convenient for you.
me: no it wouldnt be. v i know your lying. what are you really doing on wednesday?
v: i really have to go to the orthodontist...
me: and afterwards?
v: we're going to [location]....
now we happen to know NO ONE that lives in that location except for dylan. so i knew they were seeing him.
me: how dare you? v you have no idea how unfair that is on me!
so then the insults flew and she thought i had no reason to be angry.
my two best friends had just lied to me so they could go meet up with a guy.
V didnt even KNOW HIM.
dylan cancelled on me for no reason!
k called me [while she was at the movies with d] and was talking to me, trying to explain, while i was screaming at her.
it wasnt fair.
i didnt stop crying for 4 hours.
the tears just came from nowhere.
and that was my lowest point.

I'm writing again, these letters to you

dear you. [29 Jan 2007|09:02pm]

[ mood | crushed ]

I so want to be a close friend to you, but you've gotten closer to one of my other good friends.
It seems like I'm not nearly as important to you as she is, which really crushes me.
We were best friends about a year ago, but then we drifted and I got closer to Kat and you got closer to Lucy.
You bared your soul to me the other night, pretty much poured out your heart, but I'm still a second rate friend.
But when you aren't with Kat, you seem to hate her. What's up with that? You and I both think she's dumb for smoking n' shit, but then when you're talking to her you tell her that you smoke, but you don't know what brand you 'just smoke whatever your sister does.'
Stop being so desperate to fit in.
You think you're such an individual and pride yourself on it, but then you just wanna be the same as the rest of us.
Stop making up your face and MAKE UP YOUR MIND.
From me, in 2nd place.

I'm writing again, these letters to you

water is thicker than blood [07 Jul 2006|10:39pm]

[ mood | bitter ]

I think you have dementia. At least that would make me feel better about the things you're doing (or not doing). At 87 years old, you're a likely candidate. I hadn't planned to move a thousand miles away, but I'm glad I'm going away from this area. Mom's dead, Dad was never a Dad, Shaun is involved in his marriage drama, and even though I'm the youngest, we all know who will have to deal with all the crazy crap you set up in your will. Dejavu, much?

You're sabotaging everything you want to do and I just hope I'm nowhere near when you die. Why don't you listen to me when I tell you that leaving everything to your last daughter, who is mentally handicapped, will only screw her life up? Dammit, why don't you believe me when I tell you she'll lose all her social security and disability benefits? I don't want your goddamn money; I wish you'd make some sort of trust for my niece. She's the only person who deserves anything.

I don't know how Mom didn't get tired of all the burdens everyone shoved off on her. Every last one of you did this to me, too. Nobody helped me square Mom's accounts. Nobody helped me. ARen't you supposed to be my family? Nobody even thanked me. I feel so isolated and unloved. God, I only have one person i can rely on and his kidneys failed. How long do i have him? Why can't I rely on you? Why are you making messes that I'll have to clean up if I remain near by?

All three of you have a wall around your minds, so I have no effect on you. I send my love to Mom, but I can't feel it reflected now. It is the same with you. It is like you are dead, too. I always thought that having such a tiny family would/should mean that we'd be even closer. Obviously blood isn't thicker than water at all. As far as I'm concerned, I only have my niece and I'm sure you're going to jack her up, too.

I'm writing again, these letters to you

memory tricks [05 Jul 2006|10:32am]

[ mood | contemplative ]

If I were to create an inventory of character traits I don't like about you and assign them a place by virtue of importance, I think your ability to backwards engineer reality would be near the top. I know why you do it; it is easier to change the facts than it is to face them. You don't want to be a 'bad' person. At least, if you were 'bad' I could think of you as having a spine.

And even though I know why you do the things you do, I still have a knee-jerk reaction every single time. Why? Why did you ___? Why didn't you ___? You're like Mad Libs, only the answers aren't funny.

And I could get over this denial of reality, if it didn't impact everyone you deal with. There will always be the wife you didn't defend. The son you didn't reprimand. The me you didn't take with you when you walked out of room when the moron who molested me came in to pick up his daughter. Your house. Your daughter. You left me and walked out, even though you knew what he'd done in his own home.

It took Mom years to forgive you. But I think I was so used to not being protected, that I was more angry at my cat for letting the jerk pet him. My cat was a better father. Heck, and he was such a little pathetic idiot, too, that guy. When I turned twenty I would stare him down in public if I saw him. He was scared of me.

You didn't even show up when I called you to tell you Mom died. Two friends from across the Pacific came, but when I called you didn't even think of coming. Your two offspring lost their mother, the woman you claim to still love, but you didn't come for us. You didn't help me sell the house, you didn't help me sell her stuff, and you didn't help me move.

Dad, you're a nice guy. Anything but strong, anything but a real father, anything but what you truly want to be. I don't wish you ill, because your lack of spine has made your life pretty sad. I love you, but I reserve the right to give up on you. I'll always call you 'Dad', but you aren't.

I'm writing again, these letters to you

[30 Oct 2004|09:28pm]

[ mood | sad ]

dear family and friends,

you're probably wondering why the hell i keep everything secret. to tell you the truth, i don't know. i can't explain why i can't bear to let even my best friend see a picture i drew or read a story i wrote. i can't explain why i hate it when my parents see a picture i've been working on psp or a fic i've been updating. i don't get why i feel inside that i have to seal these things inside my heart. i don't get why i'm not telling you i was accepted into powers school. i don't know why i'm not going waltzing up to you telling you i'm taking guitar lessons. i probably won't even tell you if i get into a commercial. it's a weird feeling, the one i get when i get or try something new. i feel like i'm going to fade into a black oblivion if you find out even the slightest personal detail about me. but the thing is, fading into a black oblivion is what i usually feel like doing. i'm sitting in that cold, wooden desk freezing in the chemistry room and i wonder what it would be like if i started fading away until i was but a shadow of silvery black mist. i could walk about not being interrupted by anyone. i could live my life my own way, by myself. i wouldn't have to deal with the pains of living. i guess it's because i'm insecure and unstable. i guess it's because i let people walk on me because i don't know what to do. i guess it's because i don't know hoe to really act around people. maybe that's why i got into acting? so when i was acting around people, it's with a script so i'd know exactly what to say. i guess that's why i make you laugh. you leech onto me like a parasite because i have that power to give you laughter. it's not something i want to do though. i do it by poking fun at every situation since i simply have no clue what else to do. i even make fun of myself sometimes. you laugh. i laugh. deep inside i'm hurting, i'm bleeding. i'm crying for you to stop that vicious laughter, reach out, and tell me to stop. slap me in the face and shake me hard. remind me i'm a person just like you, just like everyone else. show me how to live. but you don't do that. and i can't make you. no matter how many red flags i send up, you come back and do it again. why can't you see what you're doing to me? how can you not feel what i'm feeling? is it possible for everyone i know to be completely blind to my emotions? sometime i think you don't know i have emotions. you probably don't. i hate you. i really really hate you deep inside. that side comes out when i'm alone - like now. no one's here and this is the real me. i'm a monster. i only come out at night. during the day when i'm walking ebside you down the hallway, i'm constantly laughing and sarcatically teasing everything in my path. i get home and by the time i'm lying in bed in darkness staring at the stars through my skylight, i'm furious. why do i do this? why the hell am i even still around you? i can't believe you missed my depressed months. hell i was even suicidal at that point. then that girl killed herself. i saw how torn up i was and i hardly even knew her. i saw how sad everyone else was.. i couldn't do that to you. it would be so hard. i know you need me. all of you do. you need someone to lighten the mood, to make you feel better.. but did you ever think about where that comes from? it's at my expense. i make your day better by making mine worse. it gets harder and harder every day. i think you've noticed i'm starting to crack. slowly i'm coming apart, bit by bit until the point where i'm going to throw my text book down by the locker and scream, go running out of the school, and never see you again. but then what would happen? would i start all over again? i could go to a new place.. they wouldn't know me there. but that's the thing. you know me. i'm just a kid and you know that. i'm never going to grow up completely.. it's not possible for someone like me. other people don't get that. they don't understand me. they think i'm that weird girl from mars but they're nice to my face. that's how they all are. you give me that sense of security. but when i'm with you, i just want to tear my head off. i want to tear yours off and everyone around me. now that can't be a healthy feeling. aren't you supposed to get pleasure from having friends? i just get angry. you don't realize what you're doing to me. everytime you put me down the blackhole in my heart gets bigger and sucks up more life. if you keep this up, there won't be any life left in me. i'll be a bag of blood and bones with no sense of humor or emotion to experience the beauties of life with. what will you do then? you think this is just a phase.. or i'm doing this to be cool. yeah right. if you wanted me to wear those clothes you pick out, you wouldn't have treated me like this. if you're going to raise a teenager, you better know what to do first. and what was i, your crash course? you said it yourself. don't you get it? you, my friends.. you're sucking the life out of me. i need your encouragement i need your love. i need you to tell me i'll go far. i need you to tell me i'll do great at my audition or i'll do fine on my history test as long as i studied. i need you to tell me my clothes look great regardless of whether they're your style or not. if you haven't noticed, every time i get pissed at you, i wear something dark. if i'm in a good mood, i wear something bright. i wear my fucking feelings and by now you should plainly see i'm not happy. no, i don't "try to be punk" asshole. no, i'm not "being a goth". i don't listen to those stupid stereotypes i'm just being myself i can't help it. i'm completely lost. i don't know where i am, who i am, what i'm doing, where i'm going, what i'm doing this for.. i need you to help me. it would be much clearer if i could just tell you. share my feelings with you. talk to you like a daughter or best friend would. but your'e afraid of me. when i start to show myself, you get scared and tell me to stop or change the subject, or just tell me i'm stupid. don't you realize how that makes me feel? you're forcing me to deny the right to by myself i can't do that any longer. one day i'm going to wake up and it's going to be too late. no turning back because once i've drowned, you can't save me. you spend too much time laughing at my gasping face starving for air under the cold water then stuck your hand in to save me too late. i'm gone. what are you going to do then? probably just call me a spaz or a head case and go on with your life. you make friends easily enough. maybe that's why you make fun of me. maybe that's why you still hang around me. i'm your punching bag. you all do it to me. except one. but you're so smart it makes me mad. how do i know if you're not internally thinking i'm some idiot because that's exactly how i act. i know that's exactly what you think. i wonder what you would say if you read this? what would you do? would you believe this and give me a hug while i stand behind you and cry like i'm crying right now? would you laugh in my face and tell me to stop being a drama queen? i'm not a drama queen. and if i am such a drama queen, why did you tell me i hated acting? who are you to tell me what i like and don't like? who are you to tell me my music's horrible. what about what you listen to? you don't think i think it's crap? but music isn't crap. at least most music isn't. music elevates you. it frees you. at least it frees me. don't go telling me the only thing keeping me alive is crap - that's going way too far. and why do you blow me off when i try to tell you something important? why the hell can i never finish my sentence? i'm telling you a story.. maybe giving you a hint and you cut me off as if i wasn't even talking. you do it all the fucking time. am i just not worthy of your time? you sure as hell take up mine. i know this is wrong. and i need someone to tell me either 'what the hell you poor child get the fuck away from those losers' or 'jesus you spaz. calm down.' i need to know whether this is normal or whether i'm steadily going insane listening to you call me names like i'm that broken raquet you smashed losing the last point. i have to know it my importance is equal to the rubber strap on your goggles you broke last night. are my opinions as credible as that empty bottle of mascara you threw away? do you see me as just another pencil you snapped trying to draw that perfect picture last night? why do you toss me aside so? why can't i be like everyone else. why can't i live like you. i don't want to go on by myself - i want to stay with you. i want us all to be friends when it's over and beyond. i want us to share an apartment in college and still be happy with each other. i want you to stop laughing. i want you to start seeing. i know i've been acting strange lately. that's because i'm on the knife's edge. i'm teetering on the line between sanity and insanity and i want you to save me. i want to live again. but i need your help. please, don't do that to me again.

love, me.

p.s. i hope you never see this. but if you do, don't tell me. just change your ways and maybe everyone else will catch on. but don't let me know. that would push me even farther. thank you.

I'm writing again, these letters to you

[30 Oct 2004|07:29pm]


I remember when you cried while we watched "The World According to Garp," as Garp realized that Helen's last name, Home had more than one meaning for him. How quickly you forget the promises you made, or the lies you told. Whichever it may be.

Isn't she perfect?
Wasn't I?

I brought your children into this world only to have them ripped from my arms.
You are dead to me.

I'm writing again, these letters to you

[26 Oct 2004|03:17pm]

[ mood | weird ]

Dear Dan,
I understand about Friday and I am not mad at you for it. Jackie can be a real bitch sometimes... and she definetly cries too much when she's drunk. Hmm... this is really weird to be writing even though I know I will never let you see it. But any ways, I wanted to write this because I can't stop thinking about you. I mean, its crazy. Even though you stood me up on Friday I still wanted to be with you no matter what and I hate not knowing if you feel the same. Everytime I hang out with you I feel more and more like you like me. Like yesterday when you came over, and I put my head on your shoulder and you kissed the top of it. Or when I turned to lean on you and you put your arm around me, I wasn't even meaning for that but I loved it. I dunno what to do. I really want to go out with you, but I don't wanna ask you out because I am afraid that you will say no or something. You are one of the few people who can always make me smile no matter how sad I am. And our personalities just go together perfectly. I love all the cute little things you do. Like how you kept saying how obsessed you were with your car, but everytime you would talk about it, you would look down at my hand and then slowly move yours an inch or two closer to mine and then move it back. And how you kept doing that until finally I grabbed your hand and kissed it, then you tickled me and just held. And how you played with my feet because I said that they were icky. I love how everytime you stop by you say "oh I was in the neighborhood." I just... can't help liking you and I just... ugh. I just wish that I knew how you felt towards me.

<3 Erika

I'm writing again, these letters to you

[25 Oct 2004|09:16pm]

[ mood | ::cries:: WHAT DO YOU THINK? ]

Dear John,
hey, I saw you today... you were on the 7 going the other way of the 7 I was waiting for. And all I really am wanting, is for you to call me, text me (when i get my phone back), write me a small note... ANYTHING! I just want to hear from you, and know how you are doing, and STAY friends! And today when is aw you on the bus, that was my first sign that I at least new you were at least... alive! GOD I miss you... I am crying right now, I just want to actually be in your arms (even if it's just as friends), it would comfort me so much. But at the same time it wouldn't, but I'd rather have the wouldn't with the comfort than not comfort at all. And... I... Still... I still love you, with all of my heart! (I'm listening to the Mario Winans CD, and it's really touching to me right now!) Please... just email me... ANYTHING! (I miss you more..."Inside joke")
Did you know that when you dumped me, that night... I actually cut myself, I know that doesn't seem like something I would do, but I did do it! Just know, that I love you, but if you are happier without us being together, so be it, just stay in touch, because I don't want to 100% lose you! And what about what you said to me that day I cried at the mall when we were with Leigha and David (yeah Leigha, I cried, when we wre talking outside, if you want I'll tell you more of why later!), and about what we talked about that night! I remember it all! Well, I HOPE that I'll ttyl! (talk to you later... "another inside sorta joke".)
Love you still,

I'm writing again, these letters to you

[20 Oct 2004|10:13am]

[ mood | desirous ]

Dear J,

Please don't say no. If I never ask anything of anyone again, don't say no to this.

Love, A.

3 couldn't send the letter|
I'm writing again, these letters to you

[17 Oct 2004|09:17pm]

[ mood | crushed ]

dear me,
I miss the way you used to be. you used to be happy. not anymore. you used to be talented. not anymore. you used to be smart. nope, no more. and when you were sad, you used to be able to hide it so well. you could hide your anger, you jelousy, the way u longed for someone. now it all is visible to everyone else. they can see it plain as day, along with the cuts and scars. the pain left from the past, and fresh from everyday is not hard to see. i miss how you used to be happy healthy. i miss how you used to be. please change back. i miss u. ~me

I'm writing again, these letters to you

i kno im like the only onw who updates, but this community is useful.... [12 Oct 2004|05:33pm]

[ mood | busy ]

dear G,
i wish you kno what your doing to everyone. i still love yah honey, but open your eyes... your love for him may be blind, but everyone else is not. PLEASE your your sanity and ours.... STOP THIS DRAMA!!!!

I'm writing again, these letters to you

[10 Oct 2004|08:59pm]

[ mood | cold ]

dear sam
thank you! thank you!!!!!! you dont like her... your different! now for that other thing....

you kno.... i love being your good friend, adn then again.... i hate it, but for now its ok.

thank you
love addy

I'm writing again, these letters to you

im new.. first letter [10 Oct 2004|08:04pm]

[ mood | cold ]

dear sam,
why do you have to be like everyone else? likeing her..... why do you have to be like every other boy in this school who wants her beucase she's skinny and has long blond hair? why cant you just grow up???? why are there plenty of people out there who understand the concept of a relationship? who understand that theres more to likeing someone than just for their body.. for their hair and the number of times they bat their eyelashes? i somehow thought you were different.. but i geuss not.. waht is this? you said htat im now one of your closest frineds.. then why do you ignore me some days? i just cant get my mind around your theorys. fine. hook up with her.. fine... like her..........ingore the sounds of me crying in the corner becuase your to blind to notice the fact that im a female...your too blind to see me as something mroe than your phycologist friend who you oflaod onto when thinking gives you a headache. you dont know how much calling me fat, or a fat bitch, or whatever makes me feel horrible. you'll never kno...... you make me feel so horrible about myself sometimes i want to scream!!!!!! SO HERE IT IS!!!!!

just for once, i wish i could give you the glasses needed to look at me in a different light, a light in which i break out of this best-friend-mold.

but i cant. so im stuck.. with you liking my best friend instead of me.......its a great position to be in.. once again im the eponine.

thanks for listening... and if you fuck her.. have a damn good time.. but dont tell me about it. i dont want to listen.


1 couldn't send the letter|
I'm writing again, these letters to you

[27 Sep 2004|02:27pm]



are you broken hearted? join notes_2_my_ex
do you have unsent letters? join notes_2_my_ex
do you have lingering feelings for your ex? join notes_2_my_ex
want your ex to suffer? join notes_2_my_ex
want your ex to know how you feel? join notes_2_my_ex
do you need someone to talk to? join notes_2_my_ex
does your crush even know you're alive? join notes_2_my_ex
do you have a secret love confession? join notes_2_my_ex
are you dying inside? join notes_2_my_ex
did you think he/she was "the one"? join notes_2_my_ex
do you feel alone? join notes_2_my_ex
are you tired of crying? join notes_2_my_ex

I'm writing again, these letters to you

[19 Sep 2004|02:40pm]
[ mood | depressed ]

Dear David,

Thank you so much. Thanks for everything. Thanks for all the love you give me. Thanks for all the time you spent with me. Thanks for all the things you've done for me. Thanks for being the only person that's not trying to control me, because you really are the only one who's not.

I love you.

I'm writing again, these letters to you

The only reason that I cannot send this to you is becasue you died! :( [02 Sep 2004|10:59am]
[ mood | hungry ]

Dear Uncle Richard,

     Truthfully, I don't remember you... I remember being at your house and sitting on the counter... eating some kind of cerial with your son Anthony... I never really got to know you at all, to know what you are like! I wish I did, because you died when I was so young! I want to remember something about you, but the only thing I do really know is that you used to play the guitar... now my dad (Your brother) has let me use a couple of your books for me to learn the guitar on! I haven't used them much this summer, but I am hoping that I can get into it a little more when school starts! And people know about your "daughter" not really being your "daughter," dad knew like all along, but when grandpa found out he just called dad right away and told him, yet, lol, dad already knew! We don't go down to California much anymore! I wish we did, I love it down there! I hope you had a great life while you were alive... and I just wish I knew how it happened... no one ever told me... that I remember... how you died! I miss you (can I miss someone I didn't really know?) but I wish I knew you!


                                            Ur Niece!

1 couldn't send the letter|
I'm writing again, these letters to you

[31 Aug 2004|12:19pm]

[ mood | depressed ]

Dear Me, i fucking hate you, you peice of shit! thats all you are or ever will be. ~me

1 couldn't send the letter|
I'm writing again, these letters to you

[31 Aug 2004|07:43am]
[ mood | tired ]

Dear Dad,

I love you but FUCK YOU!!!! David is NOT a bad person, I DO love him, he DOES love me, I will NOT forget his name in four years, he is NOT a 'career criminal' (By the way, it's not like he fucking killed someone!!!!!!), he CAN change, people CAN change, persons CAN change, he is NOT another Cody, he is NOT another Anthony, I will NOT walk into Cascade looking for a new boyfriend because I already have the greatest man alive, I WILL see David again whether you or my mom like it or not, I CAN know what love is at 14, I CAN experience love at 14, and you do NOT run EVERYTHING about me, you can NOT tell me who I can and can't see, you can NOT tell me what to feel for who, you can NOT decide if my feelings are real by how you feel about the feelings or the person I feel them for, you are NOT everywhere and anywhere as much as you say you are, you will NOT beat the crap out of David, I'll NEVER speak to you EVER again if you EVER do anything to him or anything more to me than this, and I LOVE DAVID, period!!!!!

Fuck... you...

1 couldn't send the letter|
I'm writing again, these letters to you

[31 Aug 2004|07:40am]
[ mood | tired ]

Dear Mom, Dad and Wade,

I know you love me and you want to protect me and all that is understandable. But I have a greater chance of dying and getting hurt if you take him away, he's everything to me... I wish you could understand that part as well...

I'm writing again, these letters to you

PS [30 Aug 2004|08:23am]

2 couldn't send the letter|
I'm writing again, these letters to you

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